(theme music plays)
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "Last Week Tonight."
Thank you so much for joining us.
I'm John Oliver, just time for a quick recap of the week.
And sadly, we must begin with a few words about France,
which on Friday suffered the deadliest attack on its soil since World War II.
Look, it's hardly been 48 hours,
and much is still unknown,
but there are a few things we can say for certain.
And this is when it actually helps to be on HBO,
where those things can be said without restraints.
Because after the many necessary and appropriate moments of silence,
I'd like to offer you a moment of premium cable profanity.
So, here is where things stand.
First, as of now,
we know this attack was carried out
by gigantic fucking assholes--
unconscionable flaming assholes--
possibly-- possibly working with other fucking assholes,
definitely working in service of an ideology of pure assholery.
Second, and this goes almost without saying,
fuck these assholes!
Fuck them, if I may say, sideways.
And third--
third, it is important to remember
nothing about what these assholes are trying to do is going to work.
France is going to endure.
And I'll tell you why.
If you're in a war of culture and lifestyle with France,
good fucking luck.
Because, go ahead. Go ahead,
bring your bankrupt ideology,
they'll bring Jean-Paul Sartre, Edith Piaf, fine wine,
Gauloises cigarettes, Camus, Camembert,
Madeleines, Macarons, Marcel Proust,
and the fucking Croquembouche!
The Croquembouche!
You just brought a philosophy of rigorous self-abnegation to a pastry fight, my friend.
You are fucked!
That is a French freedom tower.
So, to the people of France, our thoughts are truly with you,
and I do not doubt there will be more to say on all of this as events unspool,
but for now, we are going to continue with the rest of our show.
And let's turn to other parts of the world.
Specifically, China,
manufacturers of everything
except that piece of crap clay jar you got for Mother's Day.
You're never gonna use it.
This was a big week for the Chinese economy.
The biggest shopping day in the world
has just become even bigger.
Singles' Day in China has set a sales record.
Singles' Day, China's annual shopping bonanza.
China, you may have heard, just wrapped up Singles' Day.
Singles' Day!
Yes, November 11th was "Singles' Day!" in China.
It's a holiday designed to commemorate single people.
Because, apparently, they think the date 11/11
looks like four single people in a row.
Although, honestly, April fourth seems like a more appropriate Singles' Day
since a four looks like a man reaching down to masturbate.
And-- Yeah, good luck.
Good luck not thinking of that
every time you see the number four for the rest of your life.
Singles' Day had been sort of novelty holiday until 2009
when the online retailer Alibaba turned it into a sales event.
And since then, it's become huge.
It was a record-breaking Singles' Day for Alibaba,
with the e-commerce titan handling more than $14 billion in transactions
during China's one-day shopping bonanza.
Holy shit!
$14 billion.
To put that into perspective,
that's roughly the equivalent of selling one Rupert Murdoch.
Now, to hit that target this year,
Alibaba pulled out all the stops,
holding a four-hour televised gala
that was part "American Idol," part Jerry Lewis telethon,
and part taking peyote in a Chinese restaurant
that's also a video arcade.
This thing had everything
from Imperial stormtroopers,
to clear ball suit fights,
to ball pits of death,
to Adam Lambert singing from atop an iron throne.
* My heart is a ghost town
Holy mother of dragons,
the last time something that horrific took place on a "Game of Thrones" set,
Theon Greyjoy was having his balls cut off.
And look, Adam Lambert was by no means the biggest star they roped in.
Daniel Craig!
(cheering) Let's welcome Daniel Craig!
James Bond!
(James Bond theme music playing)
(shouting in Chinese)
Welcome to China!
Oh, no...
I've never seen James Bond look so awkward and sad,
and most of his girlfriends have died in front of him.
But perhaps the most inexplicable celebrity cameo
came via pre-tape.
Tonight I wanted to take a moment to say hello to all of you out there
to wish you a happy Singles' Day.
I'm sure there will be loads of deals on candy, too.
Check TMall
and maybe you can find yourself a few packs of Presidential M&Ms.
What is that accent?
Even Chinese people must be thinking
"Hold on, isn't he supposed to be from South Carolina?
"Then why does he sound like Foghorn Leghorn with his jaw wired shut?"
Honestly, I think we can call it at this point.
$14 billion spent on shit they don't need,
spurred on by a bethroned Adam Lambert
and a two-time Oscar winner hustling candy,
congratulations, China,
you just out-America'd America.
Well done.
And finally this week--
Finally this week, we turn to the UK and its relationship with India,
or as we once called it, "Britain's spice rack."
This week, India's Prime Minster, Narendra Modi,
made his first official visit to the UK,
the highlight of which was a speech at Wembly Stadium
featuring fireworks, the Prime Minister,
a spectacular drum battle,
and a rousing speech.
I was told...
that London would be cold.
But not this much.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Okay, that-- Yes.
Fair play.
That was clearly a joke,
but it does also follow in the grand tradition
of the UK underselling the severity of the conditions
an Indian leader would be suffering under.
But for all the spectacle,
this trip had a little tension behind it.
As you probably know, India used to be a British colony.
And our behavior was so bad
that in recent years many in India have called for colonial reparations,
with one particular demand recently gaining attention.
(speaking Hindi)
Translation: This is the Kohinoor diamond,
which reached Britain during the reign of the British Empire
and became the magnificence of the Queen's crown.
A lobby of Indian industrialists and artists in London
are preparing to give legal challenge to Queen Elizabeth
for Kohinoor's return to India.
Yes, some in India are demanding the return of the fabled Kohinoor diamond,
which was removed from India,
and presented to Queen Victoria in 1850
before being embedded in this elegant head sofa.
But the British government is refusing to give that diamond up
for reasons that former Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg explained last year.
There is no doubt in our mind that the diamond was relocated to this country
under legal conditions which are not in any doubt.
But, there is, I think, clarity in the sincerity
with which the Queen holds the crown jewels--
all of them--
in trust, on behalf of the nation,
has done for many generations,
and future monarchs will continue to do so.
Okay, okay, that's-- That's an intricate legal argument,
so let me see if I can break it down for you.
What he's basically saying is,
"I understand that you want the diamond,
"but the thing is we have the diamond, you don't,
"and we're going to keep having it forever.
"So, in summary, finders keepers, go fuck yourself, cheerio."
And as for--
As for the current Prime Minster, David Cameron,
when he was asked about returning the diamond
during a visit to India a few years ago,
he simply stated,
"They're not having that back."
Which is so petulant and childish a response
I'm surprised he didn't lick the diamond to call official dibs on it.
And look, in a way,
you can understand why Britain does not want to give that diamond back.
All our greatest possessions are stolen.
Tea, stolen.
The Elgin Marbles, let's say permanently borrowed.
The entire British Museum is basically an active crime scene.
And if we start giving back everything we took from the empire,
that building will basically be completely empty
except for one portrait of Lord Alfred Tennyson,
and a pair of Gary Oldman's old running shorts.
And that can't happen.
And now, this.
(announcer speaks)
I landed at LaGuardia Airport today,
a guy ran up to me and said, "Hey."
He said, "Anybody ever tell you you look a lot like Senator John McCain?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Doesn't it sometimes just make you mad as heck?"
So...
I landed at LaGuardia Airport today.
We were at Kennedy Airport this morning.
Came through Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport.
I was in the Atlanta Airport.
I was going through National Airport just yesterday, I believe it was.
A guy ran up and said, "Hey."
"Did anybody ever tell you you look a lot like Senator John McCain?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Doesn't it just make you mad as hell?"
"Doesn't it just make you mad as hell?"
"...mad as hell?"
"Doesn't it sometimes just make you mad as hell?"
Thank you for listening.
(laughing)
Moving on.
Our main story tonight is about daily fantasy sports.
The most addictive thing you can do on your phone other than perhaps cocaine.
If you own a television, you cannot have missed their ads.
Get to Draftkings.com right now
for one-day games that let you win daily.
FanDuel packs the thrill of a whole season into just one week.
With FanDuel, there's no season-long commitment.
Are your dreams big enough to cash a giant check?
Play free with promo code "trot."
Enter promo code "YouTube60."
Use the promo code "Clean6."
Enter promo code "Bang9."
Yes, daily fantasy sports combine everything dudes love:
sports, money, and a lack of commitment.
And I will say--
I will say the promo code really gives it an air of exclusivity.
It's like you've just joined an elite supper club
whose password is "Bang9."
It's been impossible to avoid those ads.
A few months ago, the two main daily fantasy sites, DraftKings and FanDuel,
were airing a national TV ad every 90 seconds.
You only need to remind people of something that often
if your target market is sports-loving goldfish.
Now, for those who don't know,
let me quickly explain to you what daily fantasy is.
Until fairly recently, fantasy sports used to be a season-long game
where you and your co-workers picked imaginary teams of players,
put $20 each in a pot,
and eventually lost to Janice in accounting,
which would have been extremely upsetting. And I'll tell you why,
she don't give a fuck about sports.
She don't give a fuck.
But daily fantasy is very different.
With daily fantasy you can go online,
typically pay an entry fee of anything from 25 cents to thousands of dollars,
pick a team for just a week or a day,
and compete against total strangers.
It's the same as season-long fantasy
the way a nice mug of tea is the same as a nice baggie of heroin.
Both give you a lovely warm feeling,
one's a little more intense.
And many TV networks are not just airing daily fantasy ads,
they're making deals with these companies.
We should note NBC Sports Group
and NBC's parent company, Comcast,
are among the investors in FanDuel.
This is something I should disclose,
that 21st Century Fox owns a stake in DraftKings.
We should mention that CNN's parent company, Time Warner,
has made an investment in FanDuel.
As a matter of disclosure, ESPN has an exclusive
two-year marketing agreement with DraftKings
worth reported $250 million.
Wow.
At this point, there is almost no show that is not financially compromised
by a relationship with daily fantasy,
including "Yell at Your Daughter 'Till She Dances" on Lifetime.
In fact-- In fact, just so you know,
HBO is a subsidiary of Time Warner,
which means that this joke about being compromised is, in a sense,
brought to you by FanDuel.
And I'll say-- Thanks, guys.
And it's not just TV networks.
Some of the sports leagues themselves have closely partnered with these sites.
Man: The NBA has an equity stake in FanDuel,
MLB has one in DraftKings,
and many NFL teams have advertising deals
with the fantasy sites.
In fact, 28 of the NFL's 32 teams
have sponsorship deals with either DraftKings of FanDuel,
and the Cowboys and the Patriots owners are both investors in DraftKings.
And of course in a way, leagues and networks like the idea of daily fantasy.
It's, frankly, the only thing that's gonna make people want to watch
the Bucs and the Jaguars face off on a rainy Thursday night.
Because no one is watching
just to witness the majesty of Tampa Bay kicker Connor Barth
unless you are Connor's mom.
And even then, she might DVR it.
"I'm sorry, Connor, but it is Thursday. It's 'Scandal' night.
"I've got ShondaLand right through.
"Have a good kick.
"I hope you kick good."
But it's a little weird to see professional sports in cahoots with these sites
because most leagues have generally been opposed to gambling,
unlicensed gambling is illegal in most states,
and these sites do look a lot like gambling.
And don't just take that from me,
take it from Hall-of-Fame quarterback Joe Namath.
Do you feel like it's gambling?
Do they have to pay anything to play?
I think you have to pay.
And do they win something? They do.
It's gambling.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
So, Joe Namath--
a man so lacking in discernment
he wore this to the Super Bowl--
even he can see that this is gambling.
And he's not alone.
Just last month the Gaming Control Board of Nevada
ruled it was gambling.
Essentially arguing,
"If people are going to lose all their money pressing buttons on a screen,
"that screen better have 'Sex and the City' characters on it."
And just this week there was another development.
Big trouble for those daily fantasy sports sites FanDuel and DraftKings.
New York's Attorney General
says they amount to illegal gambling.
Yes, the New York Attorney General is attempting
to shut down daily fantasy in the state.
And if that happens, the best way to gamble here will once again be
buying meat on a stick from a guy with a cart.
Why does my chicken have whiskers?
Do you know what? I'm hungry, I'm rolling the dice.
But both major daily fantasy sites insist that they've done nothing wrong.
In fact, DraftKings even claims on its website that its 100% legal,
which is immediately suspicious.
If the guy at TCBY said,
"This frozen yogurt is 100% legal,"
you would know that somehow it was a product of the illegal sex trade.
And both companies bristle at the very word "gambling,"
insisting that they are something far more benign.
You don't view what you do here at FanDuel as gambling?
No. That's a word that isn't used very much around here
I take it? Nope.
'Cause we are--
Every time that you talk to our users,
what comes through loud and clear
is the fact that we're an entertainment product.
Okay. Okay, sure.
But you know what else is an entertainment product? Gambling.
Gambling is incredibly entertaining.
Until, of course, you're down 15 grand to a Russian "entertainment" syndicate.
But when DraftKings, in particular, claims that it's not gambling,
it's worth noting that not only have they applied for and received
a gambling license in the UK,
but according to the Nevada Attorney General,
their website once had search engine optimization phrases
with multiple instances of the word "betting."
And sites usually use alt text like that
to tell search engines what they are.
It's why this show's website is tagged with...
So-- So here's the question.
How can DraftKings say they are not gambling
and 100% legal?
Well, daily fantasy sites often point to one particular piece of legislation,
the 2006 Unlawful Internet Gambling Enforcement Act,
or UIGEA.
Right now, of course, fantasy sports being a game of skill,
is carved out of UIGEA
and permissible in most states in the U.S.
I just think under the current law right now
it's very obvious that this fits within skill gaming.
Now, what he's referring to in his charismatic, monotone, sleep-inducing voice
is that in 2006 when Congress passed a law to crack down on online gambling,
it exempted fantasy sports.
Which, remember, back then
were just those office things that you lost to Janice in accounting.
It was meant to be a very small exception,
but through that small carve out,
two multi-billion dollar businesses have emerged.
It's like those lawmakers built a doggy door for a beloved pooch,
and then daily fantasy came bursting through like a pack of wolves, saying,
"We are dogs. It's a doggy door, right?
"That's for us, we're legally dogs. Woof.
"Right? Tell 'em. Woof.
"Woof.
"Step aside. Woof."
But even the guy who co-wrote that law
says it wasn't meant to apply to what fantasy sports have now become.
The US Congressman who drafted the 2006 legislation
used by DraftKings and FanDuel as proof of their legitimacy
is upset.
Former lawmaker Jim Leach says, it is, quote,
"sheer 'shutzpah'" for the daily fantasy sports sites
to pretend the law makes them legal.
Okay, okay.
Okay, first of all,
"Chutzpah" is actually pronounced "hootzpah,"
but the idea that daily fantasy sites are using this law
to claim they're not gambling
is not chutzpah, it's horse shit.
Because that law, interestingly--
that law never said fantasy sports were legal,
it just said they weren't explicitly illegal under that specific law,
but that each state's gambling laws would continue to apply.
And, in general, most states determine whether or not something is gambling
by asking whether it's more of a game of chance, or more a game of skill.
And if being a game of chance could make you gambling, and therefore illegal,
it's no wonder that daily fantasy sites like to describe themselves like this.
They are games of skill.
And we can prove that through data that we have.
If skill is a predominant factor in the game, then it's a game of skill.
And we can show that our game, like traditional fantasy sports,
it is skill-predominant.
It's legally critical to these companies
that they be perceived as games of skill.
That's why every time they talk you hear the word "skills"
more often than during an underground rap battle.
In fact, just this Friday,
daily fantasy supporters actually held a protest rally
outside the New York Attorney General's office
with a familiar chant.
Game of skill! Game of skill! Game of skill!
Now, if you're thinking,
it's a little odd that ordinary fans were chanting something so legally specific,
there may actually be a reason for that.
Behind me this morning,
there were about 250 people here.
They blocked the sidewalk. A lot of police,
a lot of protesters making a lot of noise.
But 100 of those 250 people
were employees of FanDuel themselves
because their offices are right here in Union Square.
They used their own employees as protesters.
If you are trying to make the argument
that you are not a shady gambling-related company,
maybe don't openly stack the deck in your favor.
Which is not to say that daily fantasy does not involve skill.
It actually might involve a lot more skill than they would like you to be aware of.
Because this summer, a study revealed some shocking numbers.
Man: 91% of the profits were won
by just the top 1.3% of players
during the first half of the baseball season.
85% of players were losers.
85% of fantasy players were losers, which is staggering.
In the general population that number is 40% at best.
It essentially breaks down like this.
40% losers,
40% assholes,
14% weirdos,
5% decent human beings,
and then, of course, Beyoncé.
And if you are wondering what it takes
to be part of that big winning one percent,
let me show you.
Man: Albertson made over $200,000 playing fantasy sports last year.
In drafting his fantasy teams,
Albertson spends hours each day studying his own homemade algorithms
that track thousands of up-to-the-minute statistics
and player projections.
Projections that even factor in the hourly weather forecasts
and wind conditions in each stadium.
Albertson: This is every pitcher, basically, in baseball.
We've got dozens of rows of statistics.
Yes, fantasy sports are effectively dominated
by numbers nerds with sophisticated algorithms.
Which is great news for anyone who wished "Moneyball" could somehow be a bit more boring.
But it's not great news for a casual player.
And it somewhat undercuts the key selling point in their ads.
Anybody can win.
It's not just a game for professionals.
It's a game for everybody, and FanDuel's made it where
anybody can play, anybody can succeed.
Yeah, but "anybody can succeed"
is a bit of a stretch
when only one percent of the players are winning most of the money.
To say "anyone can succeed" on daily fantasy is a bit like saying that
I could be the next James Bond.
Sure, it's a mathematical possibility,
but it's a long shot.
It's a different movie. It's a different movie.
Not better or worse, just different.
So, these daily fantasy sites may be in a bit of a quandary.
Under our hazy gambling laws,
the more they're a game of skill, the stronger their legal case usually is,
but the less appealing they become to the average player.
And there's actually a precedent for an online amalgam of skill and chance.
Unfortunately for daily fantasy, it's poker,
which most states consider gambling.
And you would think if these sites were smart
they would run away as fast as they could from any comparison to poker.
So, if you go and play DraftKings,
it actually, in many ways, has a similar feel to poker.
The games have payout structures that are similar,
and there's a lot of different variety
where you can play head-to-head all the way up to larger tournaments.
The way he's describing daily fantasy and poker is so similar
most people could not tell them apart.
They're like alligators and crocodiles,
or Amy Adams and Isla Fisher.
Are those two different people or the same person twice?
It's impossible to tell.
Nobody knows.
And the similarities between online poker and daily fantasy don't stop there.
Remember Cory Albertson?
The guy with the homemade algorithm?
Guess where he honed those skills?
Man: In a past life he was a professional poker player.
He's all in and in trouble against Cory Albertson,
both with a pair of jacks.
Man: But then he discovered daily fantasy sports
and has been winning big against his online opponents ever since.
Look, if it attracts the same people and requires the same sorts of skills,
it's safe to say it is somewhat similar.
It's like finding out an Olympic gymnast has joined Cirque du Soleil.
Or an Olympic snowboarder has joined a Colorado pot dispensary.
There's connective tissue there. That's all I'm saying.
And in case its connection to the world of poker was not clear enough,
guess who was a sponsor of the World Series of Poker this year?
The World Series of Poker main event telecast,
presented by DraftKings.
They're basically saying, "If you love gambling, you'll love DraftKings...
"for completely unrelated reasons."
Look, by any rational definition,
daily fantasy is gambling.
Which isn't necessarily a bad thing.
People clearly love it.
But if we're going to de facto legalize sports gambling across the U.S.,
we should at least do it on purpose
and not because two companies have somehow weaseled out a way
to pretend that they are not something that they clearly are.
Because gambling enterprises, wherever they are legal,
are regulated to protect people,
and that's going to need to happen here.
And until such time, if they're going to keep bombarding us with those ads,
they should at least make them a little more honest.
Announcer: Daily Fantasy is the hottest new way to make real money.
As soon as I tried DraftKings, I was hooked.
I've been using FanDuel since I saw all those commercials
on TV all the fucking time.
I turned $35 into $2 million,
into $40, into $0 on FanDuel.
Daily fantasy is the best.
I get to play every day.
You mean you get to gamble.
It's not gambling.
Oh, it's definitely gambling.
You have a massive gambling problem.
It's actually a skills-based game
that is gonna make us rich one day.
You're an idiot.
I'm a winner.
Announcer: With Daily Fantasy, anyone can win.
I've won $784,000 on FanDuel.
See? You can compete against millions of regular sports fans just like you.
I have a master's degree in statistics
and I've designed an advanced algorithm
that incorporates real time weather condition updates
and can calculate an earned run average to the 20th decimal point.
Hey, jocks, how does it feel to be a nerd's bitch?
Announcer: Daily Fantasy sports is
the only skills-based entertainment product
where you can win big money.
You're a winner? I'm a winner.
How the fuck are you a winner?
Uh, how the fuck am I a winner?
I'll tell you how the fuck I'm a winner.
I won six dollars and 18 fucking cents
playing daily fantasy.
That's how the fuck I'm a winner.
You spent $1,200.
Well, that's what you gotta do,
you gotta spend money to make money.
To make $6.18 you spent $1,200?
Yeah, that's how it works.
I don't understand you.
It's 'cause you don't understand sports, sweetie.
I understand math.
Announcer: Don't listen to the critics,
Daily Fantasy is a legitimate business.
Daily Fantasy has the support of the NFL.
When have they ever been associated
with anything shady?
The best part about it is that it's currently legal.
So, I'm excited about that.
Look at the size of this check!
Oh, here we go with the check. Look at this check!
$1,200 and you won $6.18!
You saying I'm not a big winner?
You spent $18 printing out this check at Kinko's.
Well, I was proud that I won.
And look who the check is made out to.
"Big Winner."
Your fucking husband.
Oh. Why don't you put it where the TV used to go, asshole.
Announcer: Daily Fantasy sports is just pure fun.
And it's so simple.
I just watch football and win money.
I know that sounds too good to be true,
in fact, even saying it out loud now,
I'm realizing that can't possibly be true.
Can you-- Can you give me a minute?
I hate you so much!
Daily Fantasy is not just fun.
It's who I am, it's what the fuck I do.
And I'm gonna turn this into a full-time career!
I'm pregnant.
Fuck!
Announcer: And if you're concerned that Daily Fantasy
sounds like gambling,
don't worry, it isn't.
It's not gambling.
It's playing a game where my cash winnings
depend on the performance of professional athletes.
Wait, I described gambling again, didn't I? Fuck.
With Daily Fantasy, all you need is a love of sports.
I think I just realized that at this very moment
I actually hate you.
Fantastic, I hate me too, so...
that's something we agree on for the first time in a while.
Is there something stronger than a divorce that we could get?
Like, a super divorce?
If there was, we probably couldn't afford it.
Heh.
Play Daily Fantasy now.
Just use promo code "Gambling."
Or promo code "Obviously gambling."
Or promo code "Exploiting a legal loophole but by any common sense definition
"this is gambling."
That's our show, thank you so much for watching.
Have a great night, good bye!
We haven't been happy for years.
No, we have not.
We thought this baby would save our marriage.
I knew it wouldn't.
I knew it wouldn't either.
I knew it wouldn't. I was hoping it'd make you happy.
Oh. I knew it wouldn't.
You think I want this baby?
Well, I don't want it! I don't want it either!
Well, fuck. I cried.
Fuck.
Well, it's-- I'm-- It's over.
It's done.
I think it just died already.
I can feel it. It's dead.
(laughing)
This talk just killed it.